30 times 2 - Silence

I worship in various ways, depending on the day, the weather, my mood, the time.


Often I worship at night sitting in a chair under the stars and moon, snuggled in a blanket, talking to God.


Sometimes I worship on the top of a mountain with a gorgious view, talking to God.


Most mornings I worship at the breakfast table. Yes, I admit it. I eat and read at the same time. And I talk to God.


I worship through music by singing out songs while blow drying my hair, while driving, while showering. I listen to Christian radio and CD's and worship while harmonizing with whoever is singing.


I worship by writing verses that have been meaningful to me on index cards and posting them on my cubicle walls at the office. As I work, I repeat the verse that I posted for that day or week. Some verses become so meaningful that they are posted indefinitely.

I worship by praying. On me knees. At my desk. In my car.


I worship by reading books that dig deep and force me to ponder and think about something other than the economy and the price of gas. BY THE WAY---- Have you read The Shack? (by William Young). It has been my most recent life-changing read. I was a little reserved about bringing up this book. Depending on what your beliefs are, certain parts of this book may clash with your theology. If you can read with an open mind and set aside those parts that may be "clashing", the treasures to be found in this thought-provoking book are well worth the investment of your time.


If you're not getting this, I will be transparent. I believe that God does use sheep from many folds to bring us to our knees.

This week I have been deep in thought about how much my worship to God involves me. It's really all about me.

And I began to wonder--does God even have a chance of reaching through to me? With all my reading, singing, praying, sermon listening ways--when is it His turn? When do I give Him the opportunity to make His voice known?

I realize that I am never silent. Oh yes, I can sit silently and you may think that nothing is going on with me. But more than likely, I am composing a grocery list, a chore list, fuming about some injustice I have encountered, planning my next day's schedule, and on and on and on.

So today, I am making a commitment to take this verse literally:

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

I am committing to sitting for 30 minutes every day and doing nothing except allowing myself to be available to God.

No soft music playing in the background.

No Bible in my hand.

No prayer from my lips.

I already know this is impossible for me.

I will become distracted in the first sixty seconds. My thoughts will be all over the place. At the very least, I will be wanting to petition God for some need that I have. My eyes will see something that needs my attention. Work thoughts will invade my space.

I will want to talk to Him, instead of waiting for Him to talk to me.

And so, before I begin my thirty minutes of silence, I will pray that God will place a wall of angels around me to prevent Satan from interfering. I will expect Him to do that.

And then I will wait.

It may take a day. It may take a week. It may take a month.

I may want to give up and go back to my old ways. But by posting this publicly, I am making a commitment and allowing my friends to hold me accountable.

I believe--I wholeheartedly believe--that if I stay commited, eventually the clatter and chatter in my head will clear, and God will make Himself known. And I will recognize His voice.

30 times 2?

This doesn't negate the fact that my participating in worship to God is important. The singing, Bible reading, sermon listening, praying part of worship still needs to be an important part of my life. God does want to hear from me!

So during another part of my day, I will continue to commit 30 minutes to active Bible reading, praying worship.


"Be still and know that I am God"

Would you like to join me? As time passes, I will come back and add my own comments to this post sharing with you my experience. I will also share my failures. Keep it real.

Broken Hearts

Hi Friends:

I am going to write a message this evening that is difficult. It won't be comfortable for me to do, and yet I feel the message God has spoken to me through the experience is one that all of us could spend some time pondering.

I didn't start this blog so that I could just share thoughts that are fun or entertaining or easy.

Early this year, I met and began dating someone who was "just perfect" for me. He had the spiritual depth that I look for as well as the awesome good looks that I could only hope for :-) Along with those qualities, the way in which we met and other small details in timing, etc, allowed both of us to say more than once that it appeared that God, Himself, had brought us together.

A trusted counselor told me once to make a list of maybe ten qualities that I wished for in someone I would like to have a relationship with. And then using that list, decide how many were absolutely necessary, and which ones could be negotiated. (No one is perfect, right?!) Also, to know which ones of the criteria were absolute deal breakers if they couldn't be met.

Well, on my list is a criteria that is rare, and yet it is so strongly implanted in my heart that I feel God placed it there. To me, it's like a "calling".

It also disqualifies 99.99% of the male population that I can hope to be exposed to.

And so I don't spend a lot of time even hoping that I will meet someone with this particular quality. But if God put it on my heart...?

He met the criteria. The rare one. The hidden gem that can't be found in the general population. It just made our whole relationship even more "blessed" and filled with more certainty that this was the "One".

Four months later, it was over.

For four months I had lived and breathed this relationship. My first thoughts upon waking and my last thoughts at night. I could physically feel my heart for the first time in life. I was planning my future and forgetting my past.

Clouds in the sky looked like hearts and his number on my caller ID made me drop whatever I was doing and sit down to give our conversation my full attention.

Eagerness.

Longing.

Sheer Joy.

Anticipation.

Devastation...

Devastation...

Devastation...

Jeremiah 31:3 I have loved you with an everlasting love.

The ending of this relationship allowed me for the first time in my life to catch a tiny glimpse into how God suffers over my absence in His life.

For weeks and months afterward, I longed to hear something, anything. I tried and tried to open the door. My first thoughts upon waking and my last thoughts at night. I longed for him to know just how much I loved him and for him to respond, once again, to that love.

The heart that had physically "felt" love, felt the loss of that love to an even greater depth.

The darkness of the future without him was unfaceable.

I was willing to go to any lengths to restore the relationship...to bring him back. I loved him, and no separation or silence or absence could change that.

I ached.

*************************************
God.

He loves me.

He wants me.

His first thoughts and His last.

No separation or silence can change that.

His heart physically loves me. My heart, injured by six thousand years of sin, cannot fathom how much He physically feels love for me.

I am certain He hopes upon hope that I will talk to Him today. That I will give Him my undivided attention. That I will spend real time with Him--not just a moment with my hand on the doorknob as I rush out.

How He must hurt over the separation and silence that I alone am responsible for.

How dark His days must be as He waits and waits and waits--hoping for just a piece of my attention.

He doesn't want to face the future without me. It's too unfathomable for Him.

*************************

I am coming away from the above experience with a keen awareness of how much pain I can inflict on my God, just by my silence toward Him.

Do you have an ache? Someone you love deeply has left you? Maybe through choice; maybe through death; maybe through distance.

Feel that hurt in your heart. How much more than we can even fathom is the hurting in the heart of God over our absence.

I do not want to hurt Him ever that way again. Because now, I have a tiny, tiny glimpse of His love and how His heart must hurt.

He aches.

For all of us.